Tuesday, November 5, 2013

Splat

Think for a moment about a little child learning to walk. Usually, when they first start the process, the toddler will get going well, then they get a little too excited and start going too fast, end up going "splat", falling flat on their face.

Today has been a splat day for me. A major splat day.

It seems whenever I start doing well, something happens and I just go splat. All the goshdarn time I end up falling on my  already majorly scuffed face. I am so tired. I feel like today just added to that exponentially.
I've written, erased, and rewritten,
(edited and republished several times) this post up to here about twice now. I want this post to be a good representative of Christianity, not only christianity, but Christianity in the midst of grieving (keeping in mind each person grieves differently) . The first time I wrote this, it was a detailed compliant about today's woes. However I remember as Christians we're not supposed to complain, so I deleted that. Then I wrote about how someone hastily passed a judgement upon a situation that they knew nothing about. Except I remembered, as a Christian we're supposed to love our neighbor, so I erased that. However I do want to say, I don't care who you think you are, you do not have the right to judge me! I am going through so much crap right now and I am just barely making it. Only God reserves the right to judge and right now I'm still trying to figure out what He's doing in my life because I'm falling apart, and I don't understand how He could let this happen. Ive prayed and prayed and prayed and He still hasn't answered my prayers.  I've prayed in His name and He still hasnt. God says whatever we ask in His name, He will grant it to us. Well I'm surely asking and pleading. I'm knocking and the door ain't opening. I do want to say I am not doubting Him but I am certainly searching Him.  I think it is actually a quite healthy part of my faith in a way. Think of it this way, let's say you're going to go bungy jumping, if you don't ever check your harness to make sure it's properly fitted and tightened, and you jump, you're probably going to fall to your death. Therefore, I'm checking my harness. I know the harness is there, but I need to get to know how it works, why it works, etc. I honestly don't know how people can really say they know and trust God, until they have really had to know and trust Him as if they're life depended upon it ( which in all reality it does). So when I have said that I'm wanting to know how God is good in the mess that my life is, etc. that's what I meant.  Thanks for all the facebook messages, texts and concerned friends. I really appreciate how much y'all care about me. Also,  if you have some more feedback that you would like to give to me concerning this topic, post, my blog, any post on this blog, or just my life in general,  please feel free to comment on this post below, on Facebook (send me a message or post on my timeline, etc), text me, send me smoke signals, you name it. I would love to hear from you!  :)

P.S. if anyone knows how to make Google put the correct time stamp on my blog posts, I would love to find out. It's not a big thing but it keeps saying I'm posting the posts three + hours prior to when I actually do.

Tuesday, October 29, 2013

Wrestling with God

Hey y'all! I'm sure you've noticed I have changed everything about my blog except for the posts already on here. Those stayed, but I changed the name of the blog, template, background, and even the web address! I need to go to bed soon so I will wrap it up with a brief description of an upcoming blog post. I am having some issues with seeing how it is fair for God to have created someone knowing that they would just end up sinning, not believing the gospel, and going to hell to only suffer eternal damnation. Anyways, that's what I'm wrestling with, well part of it. It all kinda ties in with my brother's death...not the eternal damnation part but the " why did He create Sean if He wasn't even gonna give him a fair chance to make anything of himself?" That's my issue. How is God good in that? I'm not being rhetorical at all. I actually do want to know your thoughts, because I know God IS GOOD! I am just having some trouble seeing it right now, and need a little perspective refresher. Anyways, please feel free to share your thoughts below as it will be greatly appreciated, and have a wonderful evening! Oh and stayed tuned for the full version of this topic! :)

Wednesday, September 25, 2013

Wow.

Wow. My life has sure gotten pretty insane lately, and needless to say I feel like a broken windup toy that people keep trying to crank, and crank, egging me on to run, when all I do is fall flat on my face. However, it's ok because God does His best work when we are broken and have nothing left to offer. It's ok to cry out and say "I have nothing to give you but my broken mess. Please fix it. " Therefore I am the broken toy, but He's the master toy maker.
Wow.
It's amazing isnt it?! Even in my weakness, I am some how strong through Him. Even when I am so broken that I can't even begin to imagine being whole again, I am. I am whole through Him. "O to Grace how great a debtor daily I'm constrained to be. Let thy goodness like a fetter bind my wondering heart to thee."  I love that hymn. "Come thou fount" has to be one of my favorites.  There's just such a raw sense to it, of the daily struggle that we go through everyday being the wretched sinners that we are. "Prone to wander Lord I feel it. Prone to leave the God I love." Then there's this basic need expressed for Him that we experience as sinners, this need for His love in our lives.  His merciful love and presence. "Here's my heart, O' take and seal it, seal it for thy courts above." I feel like with all the choas in my life, I really need that love and His presence. I really need it. I also find singing hymns of His mercy and love such as "Come thou Fount" are always great for providing a different perspective on things, especially during times like these.Therefore, with my new perspective, I wanna say wow again,  because even when I am so broken, I am so blessed by His love. 

Tuesday, August 27, 2013

Cheers

*note* the picture attached is the sunset of the last evening I was in Cape Cod. I am using that as a reminder that in every end there is true beauty lieing beneath. 

So while I'm still not feeling too well ( I think my loss of sleep over the last two days is the reason why. Flying over night always puts me out awhile) I figured I might as well write the blog post as promised since I can't nap anymore for some reason unbeknownst to me. On that note, I had this post all written out and it was really great and all (I even used a doctor who quote!) (Which I was quite proud of) and then- my phone just had to die last night as I was getting ready to finish it. I dunno,  maybe it's like my speech at my brother's memorial service. It was the perfect speech, I had put it in my purse and then all of a sudden- *poof* bye bye perfect speech. I was then forced to rely on my heart instead of my rhetoric. It is a hard task for to me rely on my heart due to the walls I've put up due to the pain Sean caused our family and other various reasons. I had put them up to protect myself and here I was having to take them down, in front of around 400 ppl. Not too fun sounding eh? However, in the same way, God used that to show me that I can't always plan everything and sometimes walls aren't the best thing. I am reminded as I write this of the verse( I am paraphrasing) that says with all prayer and supplication, let your requests be made known to God, and the peace which surpasses all understanding, shall guard ur hearts and minds, through christ Jesus our lord. God doesn't require us to guard our hearts, cause even in the midst of horrible circumstances, we can still be at peace through Him. How cool is that?? I would say pretty darn cool! So with that in mind, while going back to school in the midst of everything, is the tearing of flesh for me. It is my duty as a christian to say "cheers" to a new year, to pray for peace and to trust in this time. Also while I do that, I also will ask for prayers in this journey cause it has been a very rough beginning and I hope that I will have the strength to see it through. Thanks for taking the time to read this! Hope y'all have a wonderful evenin' and a great week.

Saturday, June 15, 2013

Life in the Light of Pain

Hello all! I haven't written much since my mom almost died in march and now here I am, back again, after my brother died about 2 weeks ago ( June 3rd, around 3pm I believe. ) I can remember exactly what I was doing and where I was and the time it was when we got the call he was in the ICU...even as I sit here writting this, the all the painful memories just flood my mind of that day, which started out as a wonderful day, quickly turned into one of the worst in my entire life. I miss him SO much...I love him so much. It still just doesnt feel real still. Anyways so I just got back yesterday morning from choir tour in Nashville, TN and Asheville, NC...in which I went to some awesome churchs, ministries, sang a lot, and even got to hike in the smokies! It was so much fun! A wonderful distraction from everything going on. Also, I got a quite horrible sunburn yesterday unfortunately due to me falling asleep outside while resting on the base of the water fall in the hot tub. It was quite relaxing except for getting a painful sunburn from it. So basically I'm doing O.K. in light of things...just getting back on my feet after his death and praying for the strength to go on. Yet still, I am somehow remembering to pray to remember to give God thanks and praise in the midst of this, and for that fact, I could not be more greatful.

Sunday, June 2, 2013

This Precious Gift

Note: this is an old draft from about two weeks ago...however I felt the message still remained pertinent. Please enjoy

"Philosophy is perfectly right in saying that life must be understood backward. But then one forgets the other clause – that it must be lived forward."--Soren Kierkegaard

Life is something beautiful...as I sit here in the Conference Room in the ICU, I look at my wonderfully sweet, younger cousin, Madison. So healthy, so beautiful-a beautiful gift from the God of all. I realized one thing, an accident, anything could take her away in a heartbeat. This life is so fragile, but so precious. We all have trials, heartache, heartbreak, births, and deaths occur in our life. Appreciate all of it. Every fight, everything said and done out of anger, everything...love life, with the good and bad in it, cause that's what makes it unique. I pray that's something we will all learn how to do...after all Christ Jesus has given us this beautiful gift of grace that allows to live through Him, even in death. I know my brother Sean will live on through him no matter what happens...I pray he makes it. 

Sunday, April 21, 2013

Insecurities

Hey there! Sorry I haven't had much time to write lately...been trying to keep up with everything going on in my life at the moment. To say the least, my head is spinning. However, I am thankful that God is still continually holding me up. I love the way a friend of mine, Melissa, who is so much like the big sis I've never had to me, put it. She said, "it just seems God is really putting you through some fire right now to make you a purer gold." Her words of wisdom really gave me some comfort and perspective through all this. I pray that God will use this in my life for my betterment and good, and that I will be able to see that. While my heart rages through all the insecurities and it pains me to think about it, I pray that I may have the peace of Christ restored to me. Nothing in life seems certain right now..not that it ever was because nothing in life is for certain...but it seemed to be as if I was on more "solid ground" than I am now. Hopefully that analogy makes sense! They say it takes hardships to make us who we are, make us strong, to make us everyday heroes who rise above- well...I certainly hope they were right.

Friday, April 12, 2013

Silver linings

So from others perspectives, things may be getting worse...my mom might have picked up another infection according to her doctor, her best friend died and my mom is too sick to attend her funeral tomorrow, and I'm ubberly behind in homework. But! My point of view is that I don't know if anything else could go wrong...and I hope nothing else does but for all intensive purposes...I'm choosing to believe that the worst is behind me and that things will get better from here. I pray to God they will each day... I know he's got a plan for me I just have to see. However at times esp. Now in my life it is sooo hard to. Things are falling apart left and right...whenever one thing goes right, another goes horribly wrong...but I guess that's just the way the world works now a days. I have PLENTY that I am blessed with- I have nice cars to drive in, a beautiful house to live in, plenty of food, and lots of family and friends to support and love me. I am able to worship God freely, go to an absolutely magnificent church, and I still have my freedom, which most people in struggling 3rd world countries don't have...I have all this to be thankful for and more , to be absolutely praise-filled because! So instead of focusing on my problems, I will make it my goal to have a "gratitude  attitude". :)

Monday, March 18, 2013

Even in my weakness...

So this blog post was a draft I meant to publish a while back but when I rediscovered it in the midst of trying to find the draft I had started for tonight but had to stop in the first sentence due to I forgot i had a Latin quiz I needed to study for before bed. Now I see that there was another reason I had not published it. For whatever reason actually presented itself at the time...I ended up then forgetting about it and then when I really needed to be reminded of why even try...why even bother doing this and stressing myself out to catch up and set my life back in order... I found this. The reasons in this blogpost are why and I am so thankful for their truths:

This school year has generally been pretty hard, especially for my family. However, I know God is doing something in my life, and even though I'm not sure what it is, or why he's having to do it this way, He's in control. He's my God, my Savior, my Father. He loves me more than any human can, has, or ever will. Therefore, I will trust Him. I will praise Him in the storm. Alas, it will not be easy at all.  However, I know that He has given me the strength to do it, I just need to find the courage to muster it up and search myself to find it for Him. His goodness and glory. There are five songs that I absolutely love by Sidewalk Prophet and by Upsoken and Group One Crew. Three of them are "Run to You"( unspoken), "What He Said"( Group 1C.) and "Keep Making Me" (Sidewalk P.)  I'd have to say the two I love the most though are "Help Me Find It" (Sidewalk P.) and "Just to Get to Me".  The lyrics are:                                                                                                              

Just Get to Me:

I close my eyes Try to tell myself it'll be alright But my doubt in mind is against me now I can't hold it down I thought I was a strong man I don't wanna say that I'm fallin' apart I know I'm gonna break so what's it gonna take To get to my heart, oh, You are my heart And sometimes You shatter dreams You tear down walls You wake me up when I'm half asleep Just to get to me You shower me when I don't deserve You never hold back anything, no Just to get to me I don't deserve for You to chase me down To call me out, one day I hope to learn How to completely give You all of me, hey Through all the testing You have never left me falling apart I know I'm gonna break Do what it's gonna take to get to my heart If that means You shatter dreams You tear down walls You wake me up when I'm half asleep Just to get to me You shower me when I don't deserve You never hold back anything, no Just to get to me Before I ever had a heart beat Before I even had a name You held my life inside of Your hands Every door that You open And every road that you close Was your plan in motion to make me who I am You shatter dreams, You tear down walls You wake me up when I'm half asleep Just to get to me You shower me when I don't deserve You never hold back anything, no You never hold back You never hold back anything Just to get to me

Help Me Find It:

 It all used to seem so clear I’m finding I can’t do this on my own I don’t know where to go from here As long as I know that You are near I’m done fighting I’m finally letting go I will trust in You You’ve never failed before I will trust in You [Chorus:] If there’s a road I should walk Help me find it If I need to be still Give me peace for the moment Whatever Your will Whatever Your will Can you help me find it Can you help me find it I’m giving You fear and You give faith I'm giving you doubt You give me grace For every step I’ve never been alone Even when it hurts, You’ll have Your way Even in the valley I will say With every breath You’ve never let me go I will wait for You You’ve never failed before I will wait for You [Chorus] I lift my empty hands (come fill me up again) Have Your way my King (I give my all to You) I lift my eyes again (Was blind but now I see) ‘Cause You are all I need [Chorus]

I really need Him to help me find it...whatever it is He has planned 



Thursday, March 14, 2013

Let me be tried and true for Your Holy Name's sake.

“Test and see that the lord is sweet." “Good and upright is the Lord; therefore he instructs sinners in his ways." “Show me your ways, O Lord, teach me your paths; guide me in your truth and teach me, for you are God my Savior. And my hope is in you all day long." “Be still and know that I am God." “The Lord is my Shepherd, I shall not be in want. He makes me lie down in green pastures. He restores my soul. "

**“TEST ME, O LORD, AND TRY ME, EXAMINE MY HEART AND MY MIND; FOR YOUR LOVE IS EVER BEFORE ME, AND I WALK CONTINUALLY IN YOUR TRUTH."

Even in my tears and my utter weakness, I know that I am strong because of what He did for me. Nothing can bring me down. I may be sad, I may be weak on my own, but that doesn't mean that I'm not strong! I have the strength of a thousand armies by my side. I have the Lord by my side and He is the one who takes my weaknesses and makes them strengths...I will fight this battle and I will survive! Cause after all it is His power that is perfected in my weaknesses. So let the waters rage, Lord. Test me. Try me. It is my heart's desire. Let my weaknesses abound even the more so that His power in me may be perfected even the more.

**He guides me in paths of righteousness for His name's sake. Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me."

Wednesday, March 13, 2013

The Best of Rooms

First of all before I get to the meat of tonight's blog post I want..no make that need, to give thanks for the blessings God has placed in my life:
So my parents have not been feeling well lately...my mom has had a fever of 102 for the last 2 weeks along with some other stuff going on in the rest of my family. You never really know how amazingly blessed you are until something like this happens. You never know how truly loved you are by friends and family. However, I know now beyond a doubt. Just in this last month and a half, I have seen how fortunate I am to be blessed with a church family such as I have. They have been there to support me every step of the way. Offering to cook dinner, give me rides, just completely go out of their way for me no matter what. I cannot begin to tell you how much I value and love each and every one of you! Thank you for being the goofy friends that mess with my hair even though it makes me want to scream at times haha....( and I bet for that statement ...I'll probably look like Cousin It by the time Sunday school is over this Sunday haha...o well ...) Thank you for just being there to hug me when it's not talking I need but just silence and a hug. Also, thank you to the staff of the church for creating such a ambient, holy sanctuary where we always feel safe (so safe that we even continue choir practice when the fire alarm goes off...). The meaning of “be still and know that I am God" comes to life in the spaces of the church. If you ever get the chance to go exploring at my church...in the hallway that leads into the right side of the chapel, there is this small prayer room about the size of a medium closet. In it is 2 candles, an alter, bench, a giant painting of Christ and this neat little prayer book with prayer requests leading back to the beginning of the church...which is probably way over a few decades. At times the cursive is a little hard to read but if you decipher it...it is so worth while. People praying for the church's youth, growth, and many more things...but what amazes me most is the things they had going on in their lives weren't much different than today's struggles. At times, that can be the most comforting. Knowing others have gone through what you are. In my opinion, this is one of the best rooms in this house of God. However, I realize that it isn't. A song we are working on in choir right now is called the best of rooms. It says give Him the choice, give him the best part of the house, the best of all's the heart. The heart. No other place. Not in the world. The heart's a very venerable thing. You have to constantly guard it with your mind...always thinking not feeling. Alas, with God...he's the one who will never betray you. He'll never take advantage of your weariness, lie to succeed or win. He's the only one you can give the best of rooms to.

Sunday, March 10, 2013

You're worth comes from Christ Alone.

Today I saw something that really upset and disappointed me. An old friend of mine (younger than me), posted a pic of herself on instagram. In this picture, she posed in a specific way to show her cleavage. What really upset me is that her mind has been poisoned with the belief that you are only as pretty or important as to how much skin you show. Or how sexy you dress. THAT IS SO NOT TRUE! I absolutely love that song by Brit Nicole that says you are worth more than gold. We live in a world that says “character is secondary. The short, fleeting pleasure of the moment is what we must pursue". There is a reason our Lord died on the Cross. He died for our sins. For our worth. Without Him, we are worth nothing. With Him, we are worth more than gold. Ladies, when we post such pictures, we send a message to the men of the world, that we are worth nothing. That our precious gift of virginity to be given on our wedding night is of no value to us. I pray that no one truly believes that. I had a friend of mine say she planned on not waiting. That it was no big deal. How can you say that?? It is a big deal! It is the joining of two people. An inseparable bond before God. Almost as powerful as the covenant of marriage.  The same goes for you men. Treat women with the respect you would give a queen. Model yourselves by being strong leaders and lead us in the way of Christ.
      Our worth comes from the one who gave his life for us. His blood was poured out upon the Cross for all our sins. Even if we make mistakes, God is there for us. Ever ready to redeem us and make us white as snow. His love is never ending.
   “ 6 Surely You desire integrity in the inner self,
and You teach me wisdom deep within.
7 Purify me with hyssop, and I will be clean;
wash me, and I will be whiter than snow.
8 Let me hear joy and gladness;
let the bones You have crushed rejoice.
9 Turn Your face away from my sins
and blot out all my guilt.
10 God, create a clean heart for me
and renew a steadfast  spirit within me.
11 Do not banish me from Your presence
or take Your Holy Spirit from me.
12 Restore the joy of Your salvation to me,
and give me a willing spirit.
13 Then I will teach the rebellious Your ways,
and sinners will return to You." ( psalm 51:6-13)
Let this be our prayer this evening.

Saturday, March 9, 2013

Unexpected turns

You know when you've planned on something for a while and possibly it may not be something you're totally psyched about. However, time goes on and things happen and then that thing you weren't totally psyched about becomes worthy of anticipating  and do become a little excited about. It should happen, you've been told it would and have been praying about it with your family. You're almost certain of it. Until, that one second when you find out.... it's not. In that moment, life has just taken one of it's many yet to come and past unexpected turns. It is a funny thing—up until five seconds ago, you were totally sure this thing was gonna happen. All of a sudden.. it's not. In that moment you may think “I was happy in my anticipation, in my ignorance, in my hoping. I wish I could rewind and/or erase this moment in time." I wish.... that's always our thoughts when something doesn't go right. Why? I wish I had that answer and maybe I do, but who knows really. The fact of it is: life is messy. There's no exception. If anyone says there is, don't believe them. They're lying. We are prisoners of hope. We live an a world that's cold and calculated. Overrun by evil but fragrant with good. We have to hope that we are doing the right thing. Trusting the right person, believing the or in the right thing, and making sure we are always in the know. Even if we managed to stay on top of things,  sometimes it's not us who makes the mess. Sometimes someone else makes the wrong choice and we just happen to be standing by. The only true way for success is trusting in an omnipotent God who would send his one and only son into all this mess just so we, the horrid mess-making sinners, could be saved and live in paradise with him. Under the wing of all his love.
   My life took an unexpected turn today. My parents decided it wasn't God's will for me to go to HLS. I don't know why , perhaps I never will, but what I do know is that they have my best interest at heart and I need to trust them and God. I need to have faith in his perfect timing. (Habakkuk 2:3)  You know when God closes one door, he opens another even better. I may not see it immediately, but in time I will. God's grace is amazing. It is sufficient enough for me, and is made perfect in all my weaknesses (which are plenty, I assure you haha). Therefore, in the meantime, I will continue to try my best to give thanks in all circumstances. I will praise Him in the hallway, in all doorways, and even in the times when the door gets slammed shut right in front of my nose!