Even in my weakness...

So this blog post was a draft I meant to publish a while back but when I rediscovered it in the midst of trying to find the draft I had started for tonight but had to stop in the first sentence due to I forgot i had a Latin quiz I needed to study for before bed. Now I see that there was another reason I had not published it. For whatever reason actually presented itself at the time...I ended up then forgetting about it and then when I really needed to be reminded of why even try...why even bother doing this and stressing myself out to catch up and set my life back in order... I found this. The reasons in this blogpost are why and I am so thankful for their truths:

This school year has generally been pretty hard, especially for my family. However, I know God is doing something in my life, and even though I'm not sure what it is, or why he's having to do it this way, He's in control. He's my God, my Savior, my Father. He loves me more than any human can, has, or ever will. Therefore, I will trust Him. I will praise Him in the storm. Alas, it will not be easy at all.  However, I know that He has given me the strength to do it, I just need to find the courage to muster it up and search myself to find it for Him. His goodness and glory. There are five songs that I absolutely love by Sidewalk Prophet and by Upsoken and Group One Crew. Three of them are "Run to You"( unspoken), "What He Said"( Group 1C.) and "Keep Making Me" (Sidewalk P.)  I'd have to say the two I love the most though are "Help Me Find It" (Sidewalk P.) and "Just to Get to Me".  The lyrics are:                                                                                                              

Just Get to Me:

I close my eyes Try to tell myself it'll be alright But my doubt in mind is against me now I can't hold it down I thought I was a strong man I don't wanna say that I'm fallin' apart I know I'm gonna break so what's it gonna take To get to my heart, oh, You are my heart And sometimes You shatter dreams You tear down walls You wake me up when I'm half asleep Just to get to me You shower me when I don't deserve You never hold back anything, no Just to get to me I don't deserve for You to chase me down To call me out, one day I hope to learn How to completely give You all of me, hey Through all the testing You have never left me falling apart I know I'm gonna break Do what it's gonna take to get to my heart If that means You shatter dreams You tear down walls You wake me up when I'm half asleep Just to get to me You shower me when I don't deserve You never hold back anything, no Just to get to me Before I ever had a heart beat Before I even had a name You held my life inside of Your hands Every door that You open And every road that you close Was your plan in motion to make me who I am You shatter dreams, You tear down walls You wake me up when I'm half asleep Just to get to me You shower me when I don't deserve You never hold back anything, no You never hold back You never hold back anything Just to get to me

Help Me Find It:

 It all used to seem so clear I’m finding I can’t do this on my own I don’t know where to go from here As long as I know that You are near I’m done fighting I’m finally letting go I will trust in You You’ve never failed before I will trust in You [Chorus:] If there’s a road I should walk Help me find it If I need to be still Give me peace for the moment Whatever Your will Whatever Your will Can you help me find it Can you help me find it I’m giving You fear and You give faith I'm giving you doubt You give me grace For every step I’ve never been alone Even when it hurts, You’ll have Your way Even in the valley I will say With every breath You’ve never let me go I will wait for You You’ve never failed before I will wait for You [Chorus] I lift my empty hands (come fill me up again) Have Your way my King (I give my all to You) I lift my eyes again (Was blind but now I see) ‘Cause You are all I need [Chorus]

I really need Him to help me find it...whatever it is He has planned 

Let me be tried and true for Your Holy Name's sake.

“Test and see that the lord is sweet." “Good and upright is the Lord; therefore he instructs sinners in his ways." “Show me your ways, O Lord, teach me your paths; guide me in your truth and teach me, for you are God my Savior. And my hope is in you all day long." “Be still and know that I am God." “The Lord is my Shepherd, I shall not be in want. He makes me lie down in green pastures. He restores my soul. "

**“TEST ME, O LORD, AND TRY ME, EXAMINE MY HEART AND MY MIND; FOR YOUR LOVE IS EVER BEFORE ME, AND I WALK CONTINUALLY IN YOUR TRUTH."

Even in my tears and my utter weakness, I know that I am strong because of what He did for me. Nothing can bring me down. I may be sad, I may be weak on my own, but that doesn't mean that I'm not strong! I have the strength of a thousand armies by my side. I have the Lord by my side and He is the one who takes my weaknesses and makes them strengths...I will fight this battle and I will survive! Cause after all it is His power that is perfected in my weaknesses. So let the waters rage, Lord. Test me. Try me. It is my heart's desire. Let my weaknesses abound even the more so that His power in me may be perfected even the more.

**“He guides me in paths of righteousness for His name's sake. Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me."

The Best of Rooms

First of all before I get to the meat of tonight's blog post I want..no make that need, to give thanks for the blessings God has placed in my life:
So my parents have not been feeling well lately...my mom has had a fever of 102 for the last 2 weeks along with some other stuff going on in the rest of my family. You never really know how amazingly blessed you are until something like this happens. You never know how truly loved you are by friends and family. However, I know now beyond a doubt. Just in this last month and a half, I have seen how fortunate I am to be blessed with a church family such as I have. They have been there to support me every step of the way. Offering to cook dinner, give me rides, just completely go out of their way for me no matter what. I cannot begin to tell you how much I value and love each and every one of you! Thank you for being the goofy friends that mess with my hair even though it makes me want to scream at times haha....( and I bet for that statement ...I'll probably look like Cousin It by the time Sunday school is over this Sunday haha...o well ...) Thank you for just being there to hug me when it's not talking I need but just silence and a hug. Also, thank you to the staff of the church for creating such a ambient, holy sanctuary where we always feel safe (so safe that we even continue choir practice when the fire alarm goes off...). The meaning of “be still and know that I am God" comes to life in the spaces of the church. If you ever get the chance to go exploring at my church...in the hallway that leads into the right side of the chapel, there is this small prayer room about the size of a medium closet. In it is 2 candles, an alter, bench, a giant painting of Christ and this neat little prayer book with prayer requests leading back to the beginning of the church...which is probably way over a few decades. At times the cursive is a little hard to read but if you decipher it...it is so worth while. People praying for the church's youth, growth, and many more things...but what amazes me most is the things they had going on in their lives weren't much different than today's struggles. At times, that can be the most comforting. Knowing others have gone through what you are. In my opinion, this is one of the best rooms in this house of God. However, I realize that it isn't. A song we are working on in choir right now is called the best of rooms. It says give Him the choice, give him the best part of the house, the best of all's the heart. The heart. No other place. Not in the world. The heart's a very venerable thing. You have to constantly guard it with your mind...always thinking not feeling. Alas, with God...he's the one who will never betray you. He'll never take advantage of your weariness, lie to succeed or win. He's the only one you can give the best of rooms to.

You're worth comes from Christ Alone.

Today I saw something that really upset and disappointed me. An old friend of mine (younger than me), posted a pic of herself on instagram. In this picture, she posed in a specific way to show her cleavage. What really upset me is that her mind has been poisoned with the belief that you are only as pretty or important as to how much skin you show. Or how sexy you dress. THAT IS SO NOT TRUE! I absolutely love that song by Brit Nicole that says you are worth more than gold. We live in a world that says “character is secondary. The short, fleeting pleasure of the moment is what we must pursue". There is a reason our Lord died on the Cross. He died for our sins. For our worth. Without Him, we are worth nothing. With Him, we are worth more than gold. Ladies, when we post such pictures, we send a message to the men of the world, that we are worth nothing. That our precious gift of virginity to be given on our wedding night is of no value to us. I pray that no one truly believes that. I had a friend of mine say she planned on not waiting. That it was no big deal. How can you say that?? It is a big deal! It is the joining of two people. An inseparable bond before God. Almost as powerful as the covenant of marriage.  The same goes for you men. Treat women with the respect you would give a queen. Model yourselves by being strong leaders and lead us in the way of Christ.
      Our worth comes from the one who gave his life for us. His blood was poured out upon the Cross for all our sins. Even if we make mistakes, God is there for us. Ever ready to redeem us and make us white as snow. His love is never ending.
   “ 6 Surely You desire integrity in the inner self,
and You teach me wisdom deep within.
7 Purify me with hyssop, and I will be clean;
wash me, and I will be whiter than snow.
8 Let me hear joy and gladness;
let the bones You have crushed rejoice.
9 Turn Your face away from my sins
and blot out all my guilt.
10 God, create a clean heart for me
and renew a steadfast  spirit within me.
11 Do not banish me from Your presence
or take Your Holy Spirit from me.
12 Restore the joy of Your salvation to me,
and give me a willing spirit.
13 Then I will teach the rebellious Your ways,
and sinners will return to You." ( psalm 51:6-13)

Let this be our prayer this evening.

Unexpected turns

You know when you've planned on something for a while and possibly it may not be something you're totally psyched about. However, time goes on and things happen and then that thing you weren't totally psyched about becomes worthy of anticipating  and do become a little excited about. It should happen, you've been told it would and have been praying about it with your family. You're almost certain of it. Until, that one second when you find out.... it's not. In that moment, life has just taken one of it's many yet to come and past unexpected turns. It is a funny thing—up until five seconds ago, you were totally sure this thing was gonna happen. All of a sudden.. it's not. In that moment you may think “I was happy in my anticipation, in my ignorance, in my hoping. I wish I could rewind and/or erase this moment in time." I wish.... that's always our thoughts when something doesn't go right. Why? I wish I had that answer and maybe I do, but who knows really. The fact of it is: life is messy. There's no exception. If anyone says there is, don't believe them. They're lying. We are prisoners of hope. We live an a world that's cold and calculated. Overrun by evil but fragrant with good. We have to hope that we are doing the right thing. Trusting the right person, believing the or in the right thing, and making sure we are always in the know. Even if we managed to stay on top of things,  sometimes it's not us who makes the mess. Sometimes someone else makes the wrong choice and we just happen to be standing by. The only true way for success is trusting in an omnipotent God who would send his one and only son into all this mess just so we, the horrid mess-making sinners, could be saved and live in paradise with him. Under the wing of all his love.
   My life took an unexpected turn today. My parents decided it wasn't God's will for me to go to HLS. I don't know why , perhaps I never will, but what I do know is that they have my best interest at heart and I need to trust them and God. I need to have faith in his perfect timing. (Habakkuk 2:3)  You know when God closes one door, he opens another even better. I may not see it immediately, but in time I will. God's grace is amazing. It is sufficient enough for me, and is made perfect in all my weaknesses (which are plenty, I assure you haha). Therefore, in the meantime, I will continue to try my best to give thanks in all circumstances. I will praise Him in the hallway, in all doorways, and even in the times when the door gets slammed shut right in front of my nose!