Splat

Think for a moment about a little child learning to walk. Usually, when they first start the process, the toddler will get going well, then they get a little too excited and start going too fast, end up going "splat", falling flat on their face.

Today has been a splat day for me. A major splat day.

It seems whenever I start doing well, something happens and I just go splat. All the goshdarn time I end up falling on my  already majorly scuffed face. I am so tired. I feel like today just added to that exponentially.
I've written, erased, and rewritten,
(edited and republished several times) this post up to here about twice now. I want this post to be a good representative of Christianity, not only christianity, but Christianity in the midst of grieving (keeping in mind each person grieves differently) . The first time I wrote this, it was a detailed compliant about today's woes. However I remember as Christians we're not supposed to complain, so I deleted that. Then I wrote about how someone hastily passed a judgement upon a situation that they knew nothing about. Except I remembered, as a Christian we're supposed to love our neighbor, so I erased that. However I do want to say, I don't care who you think you are, you do not have the right to judge me! I am going through so much crap right now and I am just barely making it. Only God reserves the right to judge and right now I'm still trying to figure out what He's doing in my life because I'm falling apart, and I don't understand how He could let this happen. Ive prayed and prayed and prayed and He still hasn't answered my prayers.  I've prayed in His name and He still hasnt. God says whatever we ask in His name, He will grant it to us. Well I'm surely asking and pleading. I'm knocking and the door ain't opening. I do want to say I am not doubting Him but I am certainly searching Him.  I think it is actually a quite healthy part of my faith in a way. Think of it this way, let's say you're going to go bungy jumping, if you don't ever check your harness to make sure it's properly fitted and tightened, and you jump, you're probably going to fall to your death. Therefore, I'm checking my harness. I know the harness is there, but I need to get to know how it works, why it works, etc. I honestly don't know how people can really say they know and trust God, until they have really had to know and trust Him as if they're life depended upon it ( which in all reality it does). So when I have said that I'm wanting to know how God is good in the mess that my life is, etc. that's what I meant.  Thanks for all the facebook messages, texts and concerned friends. I really appreciate how much y'all care about me. Also,  if you have some more feedback that you would like to give to me concerning this topic, post, my blog, any post on this blog, or just my life in general,  please feel free to comment on this post below, on Facebook (send me a message or post on my timeline, etc), text me, send me smoke signals, you name it. I would love to hear from you!  :)

P.S. if anyone knows how to make Google put the correct time stamp on my blog posts, I would love to find out. It's not a big thing but it keeps saying I'm posting the posts three + hours prior to when I actually do.

Wrestling with God

Hey y'all! I'm sure you've noticed I have changed everything about my blog except for the posts already on here. Those stayed, but I changed the name of the blog, template, background, and even the web address! I need to go to bed soon so I will wrap it up with a brief description of an upcoming blog post. I am having some issues with seeing how it is fair for God to have created someone knowing that they would just end up sinning, not believing the gospel, and going to hell to only suffer eternal damnation. Anyways, that's what I'm wrestling with, well part of it. It all kinda ties in with my brother's death...not the eternal damnation part but the " why did He create Sean if He wasn't even gonna give him a fair chance to make anything of himself?" That's my issue. How is God good in that? I'm not being rhetorical at all. I actually do want to know your thoughts, because I know God IS GOOD! I am just having some trouble seeing it right now, and need a little perspective refresher. Anyways, please feel free to share your thoughts below as it will be greatly appreciated, and have a wonderful evening! Oh and stayed tuned for the full version of this topic! :)

Wow.

Wow. My life has sure gotten pretty insane lately, and needless to say I feel like a broken windup toy that people keep trying to crank, and crank, egging me on to run, when all I do is fall flat on my face. However, it's ok because God does His best work when we are broken and have nothing left to offer. It's ok to cry out and say "I have nothing to give you but my broken mess. Please fix it. " Therefore I am the broken toy, but He's the master toy maker.
Wow.
It's amazing isnt it?! Even in my weakness, I am some how strong through Him. Even when I am so broken that I can't even begin to imagine being whole again, I am. I am whole through Him. "O to Grace how great a debtor daily I'm constrained to be. Let thy goodness like a fetter bind my wondering heart to thee."  I love that hymn. "Come thou fount" has to be one of my favorites.  There's just such a raw sense to it, of the daily struggle that we go through everyday being the wretched sinners that we are. "Prone to wander Lord I feel it. Prone to leave the God I love." Then there's this basic need expressed for Him that we experience as sinners, this need for His love in our lives.  His merciful love and presence. "Here's my heart, O' take and seal it, seal it for thy courts above." I feel like with all the choas in my life, I really need that love and His presence. I really need it. I also find singing hymns of His mercy and love such as "Come thou Fount" are always great for providing a different perspective on things, especially during times like these.Therefore, with my new perspective, I wanna say wow again,  because even when I am so broken, I am so blessed by His love. 

Cheers

*note* the picture attached is the sunset of the last evening I was in Cape Cod. I am using that as a reminder that in every end there is true beauty lieing beneath. 

So while I'm still not feeling too well ( I think my loss of sleep over the last two days is the reason why. Flying over night always puts me out awhile) I figured I might as well write the blog post as promised since I can't nap anymore for some reason unbeknownst to me. On that note, I had this post all written out and it was really great and all (I even used a doctor who quote!) (Which I was quite proud of) and then- my phone just had to die last night as I was getting ready to finish it. I dunno,  maybe it's like my speech at my brother's memorial service. It was the perfect speech, I had put it in my purse and then all of a sudden- *poof* bye bye perfect speech. I was then forced to rely on my heart instead of my rhetoric. It is a hard task for to me rely on my heart due to the walls I've put up due to the pain Sean caused our family and other various reasons. I had put them up to protect myself and here I was having to take them down, in front of around 400 ppl. Not too fun sounding eh? However, in the same way, God used that to show me that I can't always plan everything and sometimes walls aren't the best thing. I am reminded as I write this of the verse( I am paraphrasing) that says with all prayer and supplication, let your requests be made known to God, and the peace which surpasses all understanding, shall guard ur hearts and minds, through christ Jesus our lord. God doesn't require us to guard our hearts, cause even in the midst of horrible circumstances, we can still be at peace through Him. How cool is that?? I would say pretty darn cool! So with that in mind, while going back to school in the midst of everything, is the tearing of flesh for me. It is my duty as a christian to say "cheers" to a new year, to pray for peace and to trust in this time. Also while I do that, I also will ask for prayers in this journey cause it has been a very rough beginning and I hope that I will have the strength to see it through. Thanks for taking the time to read this! Hope y'all have a wonderful evenin' and a great week.

Life in the Light of Pain

Hello all! I haven't written much since my mom almost died in march and now here I am, back again, after my brother died about 2 weeks ago ( June 3rd, around 3pm I believe. ) I can remember exactly what I was doing and where I was and the time it was when we got the call he was in the ICU...even as I sit here writting this, the all the painful memories just flood my mind of that day, which started out as a wonderful day, quickly turned into one of the worst in my entire life. I miss him SO much...I love him so much. It still just doesnt feel real still. Anyways so I just got back yesterday morning from choir tour in Nashville, TN and Asheville, NC...in which I went to some awesome churchs, ministries, sang a lot, and even got to hike in the smokies! It was so much fun! A wonderful distraction from everything going on. Also, I got a quite horrible sunburn yesterday unfortunately due to me falling asleep outside while resting on the base of the water fall in the hot tub. It was quite relaxing except for getting a painful sunburn from it. So basically I'm doing O.K. in light of things...just getting back on my feet after his death and praying for the strength to go on. Yet still, I am somehow remembering to pray to remember to give God thanks and praise in the midst of this, and for that fact, I could not be more greatful.

This Precious Gift

Note: this is an old draft from about two weeks ago...however I felt the message still remained pertinent. Please enjoy

"Philosophy is perfectly right in saying that life must be understood backward. But then one forgets the other clause – that it must be lived forward."--Soren Kierkegaard

Life is something beautiful...as I sit here in the Conference Room in the ICU, I look at my wonderfully sweet, younger cousin, Madison. So healthy, so beautiful-a beautiful gift from the God of all. I realized one thing, an accident, anything could take her away in a heartbeat. This life is so fragile, but so precious. We all have trials, heartache, heartbreak, births, and deaths occur in our life. Appreciate all of it. Every fight, everything said and done out of anger, everything...love life, with the good and bad in it, cause that's what makes it unique. I pray that's something we will all learn how to do...after all Christ Jesus has given us this beautiful gift of grace that allows to live through Him, even in death. I know my brother Sean will live on through him no matter what happens...I pray he makes it. 

Insecurities

Hey there! Sorry I haven't had much time to write lately...been trying to keep up with everything going on in my life at the moment. To say the least, my head is spinning. However, I am thankful that God is still continually holding me up. I love the way a friend of mine, Melissa, who is so much like the big sis I've never had to me, put it. She said, "it just seems God is really putting you through some fire right now to make you a purer gold." Her words of wisdom really gave me some comfort and perspective through all this. I pray that God will use this in my life for my betterment and good, and that I will be able to see that. While my heart rages through all the insecurities and it pains me to think about it, I pray that I may have the peace of Christ restored to me. Nothing in life seems certain right now..not that it ever was because nothing in life is for certain...but it seemed to be as if I was on more "solid ground" than I am now. Hopefully that analogy makes sense! They say it takes hardships to make us who we are, make us strong, to make us everyday heroes who rise above- well...I certainly hope they were right.