Perspective

     It's been about 2 years too long since I have published a blog post. A lot has happened in these two years. I won't go into the details of all that happened, but I will say the Lord has most definitely been at work in my life throughout the circumstances since my junior year of high school (the last time I wrote I was a junior in high school which is crazy to think about).  A few examples of how my life has changed would be: I graduated high school, started college, changed my major, changed denominations, changed churches twice, had my first serious relationship and breakup, and much more. 
     Through all of these changes I have noticed there has been one consistent factor: discontentment. This is not to say that most of these changes were unneeded. While they were good, I look back at the initial motivation and I see sin--the sin of not being completely satisfied in Jesus.  Matthew 6: 30-33 (HCSB) (Emphasis added)  says this:

"If that’s how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and thrown into the furnace tomorrow, won’t He do much more for you—you of little faith? So don’t worry, saying, ‘What will we eat?’ or ‘What will we drink?’ or ‘What will we wear?’ For the idolaters eagerly seek all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. But seek first the kingdom of God and His righteousness, and all these things will be provided for you. "   

 By not being content in all the Lord has given me and seeking other things before Him, I am not obeying Jesus's command, and not obeying the Lord is sin. Not only this, but I have been making decisions without first consulting the Lord. James 4:13-17 (HCSB, emphasis added) clearly condemns this:  

Come now, you who say, “Today or tomorrow we will travel to such and such a city and spend a year there and do business and make a profit.” You don’t even know what tomorrow will bring—what your life will be! For you are like smoke that appears for a little while, then vanishes. Instead, you should say, “If the Lord wills, we will live and do this or that.” But as it is, you boast in your arrogance. All such boasting is evil. So it is a sin for the person who knows to do what is good and doesn’t do it."

 I am living as if I am sufficient enough to plan and know my future without His guiding hand. I think this is a major reason as to why I now struggle with discontentment. I make these decisions without the complete sureness that comes with the Lord's direction and it has left me wondering if I should be where I am in life, pursuing what I am, and where should I go next. All of this occurred to me over the last few days. The Lord has been teaching me this for a while, but really has been driving it home since Monday. I pulled an all-nighter to study for a midterm on Monday in Hermeneutics after all ready being sleep deprived from a weekend retreat (which was absolutely amazing and completely worth the sleep deprivation). It was really rough especially since I could not go home and take a nap right after, and I found myself complaining about my exhaustion and having to go to classes still. After my last class, I was driving back from school and listening to "Be Thou My Vision", and it hit me. Sometimes I guess it takes sheer exhaustion and weakness before we allow the Lord to break down the barriers of our hearts. The Lord was not my vision or the ruler of my heart! If He was, I would have been praising Him for the opportunity to learn more about Him and His word, for the opportunity to receive an education, and parents who are willing and able to pay for it, rather; I was complaining. I broke down in tears as I was driving, and repented then and there for putting my discontentment over glorifying Him in everything. How wretched a sinner I am to allow the Lord to be removed from the throne of my heart-- to allow my ambitions, my weakness, and the desire for earthly treasures on this temporal Earth to be my heart's vision, my heart's desire, and ruler! That evening, I went home and spent some time with the Lord, and confessed that I had not sought Him first in everything, and I am to try my hardest to do so in all my decisions, wants, ambitions from now on. 

     Riding on the back burner of this is the conviction I have from complaining. While discontentment is the cause of my complaints, I realize this is no excuse for my sinfulness and weakness, as the Bible commands us in Philippians 2:14-15 (HCSB): 

"Do everything without grumbling and arguing, so that you may be blameless and pure, children of God who are faultless in a crooked and perverted generation, among whom you shine like stars in the world."

     I find it interesting how there is a connection between grumbling and arguing, and being blameless and pure. It seems (I haven't done any exegesis on this yet, just a slight disclaimer) that grumbling (complaining) has an effect on our souls, how it affects it I am unsure just yet. However, one might reasonably deduce that since grumbling possibly further deepens dissatisfaction, it, therefore, produces a heart not focusing on the Lord, and is not edifying speech in any shape or form which the Bible warns the believer against in Ephesians 4:29 (ESV):

"Let no corrupting talk come out of your mouths, but only such as is good for building up, as fits the occasion, that it may give grace to those who hear."

     Oh what a horrible thought...by my complaining I have not been building up, but tearing down. May the Lord continue to give me grace so that I may continue to grow in this area, being one who builds up and gives grace to all those who hear my speech.

     I hope this post has been convicting and encouraging to those who struggle with the same things. I have always found it encouraging to know others struggle with the same things I do so that we can encourage one another, and build one another up. I want to leave you with this excerpt from Philippians 4:12-13 (NASB):

"I know how to get along with humble means, and I also know how to live in prosperity; in any and every circumstance I have learned the secret of being filled and going hungry, both of having abundance and suffering need. I can do all things through Him who strengthens me."

      In this scripture, Paul tells the church of Philippi the secret of being content in all circumstances: relying on the One who strengthens him. It is my prayer that we all may learn to be content by relying on Him who strengthens us.