Iκαρος ( Icarus)

     Hey all, I am most definitely still around even though I haven't published a new post in awhile.  I could go into the mundane details as to why I haven't but I shall spare you ( and myself as well haha) time and brainpower by just touching briefly on the highlights. While I do not know if I am completely healed yet, or if I will ever be, I have definitely had to face a lot of my pain and "skeletons in my closet" since I have last written. During this time of absence I have been through the one year anniversary of Sean's death, numerous arguments with my parents in desperate attempts to try and figure out who I am, I have wondered about and exhausted all the whys, and ultimately have realised that I really am, in many ways, still quite lost.  I guess, for me, writing has always been my way of thinking through and sifting all the gunk out of my mind and life...not only that but I have realized that writing makes it real for me. I have to face the pain straight in the eye and think through it. The simplest way to describe it is while it is very therapeutic for me, it also is very, very painful. I dont want to face the fact that my brother is gone. Nor will I ever want to, though sadly, I can't live in a dream world.  Life isn't like that.  Maybe it is best that it isn't easy to live in a dream world. Reality, while harsh, makes us humble and thankful for the blessings we do have. Have you ever heard of Icarus?  The boy who soared too close to the sun? The Sun's radiance melted the wax, loosed the feathers from their frame, and he fell into the sea to drown. Maybe that ancient tale has more to it than meets the eye....

     What if our struggles make us who we are? What good is a dull knife? What can be cut with shapeless metal? Nothing. What can grow from soil that has not been introduced to a little bit of rain? What is a human without pain...what are we to say if all we have known is joy but no pain? We wouldn't be able to know what joy is without the unpleasant experiences in our past. How would we know just how amazing this gift of salvation is without experiencing the hopelessness human depravity brings? Is not too much of a good thing detrimental? I guess my point is, yeah, I have been through so much and on nights like this, I just want to curl up and shield myself from the world and all the pain it brings...but I am also grateful.  I have not been spending as much time in the presence of the Lord as I should be, in fact, I don't think that I have spent some quality time in His word in months. How wretched I am...how I take for granted this amazing gift of salvation that I so utterly do not deserve. Yet, tonight, I found myself back in the presence of the Lord, back in His word, back thirsting for Him. Pain keeps us from soaring too close to the sun, and ultimately, if payed attention to, can be just what we needed to save us from life's overpowering radiance....